Killin me

This is a funny time of life.
Single life is great. So many great things about it. I have a lot i can do ahead of me. I have a lot planned to do. I enjoy life as much as i can in any situation. But Single comes at a price. Part of me really wishes i had someone in my life. I had someone in my life. that ended when he went for someone else. and then he ends up single again. we haven't spoken in 6 months when he broke it  I miss him like crazy, it's killin me. The hardest part is falling for someone who isn't even a member of the church. It's like I don't want to go back to that, but I don't feel like finding someone new. I need the temple. I am willing to wait for the right person. and it sucks. This waiting is really hard. A roller coaster. It scares me to think i could ever be married. part of me just wants to be single forever because I'm so used to it. Scared to meet someone. Scared out of my mind. I just wanna run. Run to my humanitarian mission somewhere across the world far far away.... I hope one day. not now, but one day I can let this go and not be afraid and let myself fall for the right guy. just one day at a time....

O LOVE THAT WILT NOT LET ME GO

I am so glad my dad sings in the Tabernacle Choir. The times i appreciate the greatest are Sundays. I ask him what songs they sang, or discuss songs they sang if i got the chance to watch the broadcast-which i try to do. I do enjoy watching the recording with him when I can. He knows my love for music and we share that love and I get the best opportunity to hear the stories behind these songs that they sing. Today's song to finish the broadcast was one I never heard.
the story
 George Matheson was blind. His fiance had left him because she couldn't be married to someone who was blind. He was heartbroken. His sister had cared for him for years, and too was leaving because she was getting married. he wrote,"My Hymn was composed in the manse of Inn élan (argyle shire, Scotland) on the evening of the 6th of June 1882, when I was 40 years of age. I was alone in the manse at that time. It was the night of my sister’s marriage, and the rest of the family were staying overnight in Glasgow. Something happened to me, which was known only to myself, and which caused me the most severe mental suffering. The hymn was the fruit of that suffering. It was the quickest bit of work I ever did in my life. I had the impression of having it dictated to me by some inward voice rather than of working it out myself. I am quite sure that the whole work was completed in five minutes, and equally sure that it never received at my hands any retouching or correction. I have no natural gift of rhythm. All the other verses I have ever written are manufactured articles, this came like a day of spring from on high."

O Love that wilt not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;

I give thee back the life I owe,

That in thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,

I yield my flickering torch to thee;

My heart restores its borrowed ray,

That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day

May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,

I cannot close my heart to thee;

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

And feel the promise is not vain,

That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,

I dare not ask to fly from thee;

I lay in dust life’s glory dead,

And from the ground there blossoms red

Life that shall endless be.

The choir sang it beautifully. My dad spoke about different phrases. The thing that i loved is he had me close my eyes and just take in the moment of the song. after the last line, the choir Sang " O Cross, O Love, O Cross, O Love." Each word sung in a different chord that struck me to the heart. Chills run through my body as the testimonies of these artists ring out. It was electrifying. How someone writes such a beautiful piece of music in 5 minutes is truly heaven-sent. The arrangement by the choir was not earthly. It felt like heaven. It was so powerful. I opened my eyes and seeing the tears in my dad's eyes brought me to so much gratitude. This song has so much meaning to me. This is one example of the many songs that my dad has introduced to my mom and I. So many songs that have SUCH meaning to me. Knowing the story behind a song gives it so much more meaning. Lately my taste in music has become a lot of classical music and songs that feel so passionate. Passionate for the love of music. For the expressions of what one feels. It's incredible. The radio so many times doesn't give me the satisfaction of what I desire. I really can't stand the popular songs that are overplayed. I love the songs that show true talent. As a musician, i hold the songs i compose very dear to my  heart. I'm not eloquent with words or with voice, my dance is alright, But my piano music is how I speak inside. I thank God for the power of Music. 

Lately!

sheesh i haven't updated in who knows how long. Months? a yeah? not that anybody reads my blogs. St George Is great. I love it. Weather is amazing. ROOMMATES are amazing. Life is going pretty well. It was homecoming week this week. and man sadly I didnt' participate in anything at all going on. How pathetic is that? what's even more pathetic i don't have any "dixie" type of clothes. i just don't want to spend the money on one. thats like CEU i never got one from there. oh dear. The Dance was tonight. I remember how guys choice dances were such a huge thing in High School And I remember never going to one which for me was a HUGE deal. I'm sure i could have gone if i wanted to with someone. but I really don't care about any of that. My Roommate, Lauren and I went with what we thought were free tickets to get in on our fridge. its 5 dollars a couple and 10 dollars for singles! Crazy! Well our tickets are the type you get at classic skating or at a carnival ha. We get there. and I had my bridesmaid dress on and it can go as either pretty classy or also good for church. We had gone to a meeting thing before stake conference tomorrow, so my hair was already in a nice bun thing and a headband. all i did was my eye make up. not a lot of work. we walked up there and it looked SO lame inside. ok it had just started a half hour previously, but yeah. i don't know. We realized the tickets must have been for something else. So we left. heck no am i paying 10 dollars! : )

tho i do have to admit that being asked to a dance would be fun. I haven't gotten all dressed up for a nice date in.... well. I don't remember the last time, or if there ever has been a time i've gotten to dress up for a date. oh Omega dance. that was fun. and was about 3 years ago. so yeah. My bishop says he hopes i find a really good guy because i deserve one, and that makes me feel special. I'm not interested in any guys here in St George. But there's Michael, Las Vegas is far away and its been 3 or 4 weeks since I've seen him. :/ and probably 2 more weeks till i might see him again. that makes it hard. He's a really great friend. Just too bad he lives 2 hours away.

School i love, but i've been slacking a LOT. i am getting very distracted. I start my Preceptors the week after Fall break. I am so nervous for it. I hope it all goes well. I am not taking things seriously. I am tempted to delete my FB or do something so that i don't check it or even get on it. after fall break, its going to be so insanely hard and crazy. I've been having a rough week this past week, but i am hanging in there. Just a lot of thinking and a lot of trying to figure out what the next step is and how i can prepare for it. Mission/humanitarian ? where to work? seeing as there are not really any jobs for Nurses here in Utah. We will find out.

I still love life and i love my ward and my Bishop so much. i am really so blessed. I really have the best ones here. How i landed amazing people i don'n know. As much as I loved Price, i really Love St George. I am having a good time down here. At times i don't want to leave this place. I know its all in the Lord's hands and I am going to go wherever he leads me.

well thats all with life. Can't complain too much about it :)

St George

Its a beautiful place here! I am studying a lot and it takes a lot of time, but i Like to learn and These sacrifices will pay off for something in the future. So i am holding on and going through these motions. i wish i had closer roommates and Friends, I do have Danette, she's the closest one here. I'm glad i have her. I guess sometimes i look down upon myself for not having tons and tons of fun and amazing things like other people. Or the popularity and ect. that others have. i know i never really have, and it doesn't matter. I shouldn't do that just because i don't have close friends or roommates down here. Despite this situation, i am trying. I really am. and i will make the best of my experience :) One day i will meet an awesome guy. but not for now i guess. i mean yeah, there are cool guys, and some hot ones, usually accompanied with a girl >:P its true when i or Krista says : All the Good ones are either taken, Dead/ Fictional!! bah. oh well. Krista comes in a few days, so it will be good. I best prepare myself for her arrival.

i just Thought of something as i am typing this. I need to spiritually prepare myself better for when The Saviour Comes. I am doing good, But i need to work harder. Especially for Nursing school. I know this profession is going to help a LOT of people. This is Just not a Career, its a Calling. I'm glad things are hard when they are. I'm glad school kicks me to make sure i'm in line. Its gonna make me a better thing. I see from past experience, all these things are working out for the good. and If i am working hard and doing it for good, Its not going to waste. So even tho i Don't have all the friends and parties and this or that. Its just fine. Lord Loves me for me, and it doesn't matter if i am popular or invisible down here! As long as i serve and do my part! When He comes, he won't ask me how popular i was, or how many crazy things or how many friends i had, he will want to know who i helped. and What i have learned while being down here. Ah typing this out has made my now going to study a more positive experience, than just the regular daily Grind. OFF TO THE LIBRARY!!! :)

A new beginning!

Packing everything again, Its a lot of work, and man do i have a lot of stuff. A lot of mixed feelings. but i know this is for the good. Its just the moving part and getting everything settled that is stressful. sometimes its hard to see everything Dead outside. But i love it when the sun comes out. I look forward to the Red rocks and hopefully more color down there in St george. I look forward to a new adventure. I couldn't do this without the Savior. Without my parents/family, and Especially without my Best friends. and those who are friends/co-workers. I know i can do this, and i need to Look forward with brightness and hope. : )

The Real you.

In an article in the New Era by Elder Boyd K. Packer, Something struck out to me: When We die, Our Spirits leave our bodies for a time.

What will our spirits Look like?

You can't take with you make up, or physical things. NO worldy or earthly Possesions. You have Knowlege and what you have learned and the person INSIDE is all thats there. So you may have had a perfect face and body. But were you nice and Kind? Selfless? OR were you Prideful and Cynnical. Obsessing about your physical apprearance and worldy lusts that you forgot all about Whats really imporant-thus defacing and mangling that very person inside. Thinking about YOu and what you want and doing things for your gain, but hurt others and truly in the end yourself?

Maybe You don't have the perfect looks or body. Sure it is nice to take care of yourself and present yourself a representative of You and The important thing. But its always whats in there that counts.same question as above: Do You nourish or deprive your spirit? So Through faith and Patience, charity towards all, forgiveness, the Golden rule. Doing things you know are right, and staying away from what you know is bad. losing yourself in service of others and God, you find yourself.

Everyone will see the true person on the inside. and there will be No mask, no make up, no Physical anything To hide the Real you.

So again i ask: What will our spirits look like?

comments?

hmmm....

I know i should be s tudying, but i am having a hard time concentrating.

I have such good friends down here in price. I am so sad to leave them and go back to salt lake, not saying i don't miss the ones up there too. but with the ones down here, i may never see them again. Well...i will eventually when i pass out of this life, but that could be in like..... 80 years or something ha ha :'(

And it seems. FINALLY i have met some good friends that are guys, ones who talk to me and actually care about what is going on, but i know that once i move back home, all that will end because they are guys and won't keep in touch with me, JUST like all the others.

"How can a man be all that they say, when all i know is men run away. I think i lose a little bit of me, in every man that i see."

its just really hard. I just feel like I have good friends that are guys for a while, but then, they leave me for other things. Its just really hard. because i just want a stable guy friend, one who actually cares about me and Values our friendship. I'm still searching for one out there. And where distance DOES Not have to matter. where HE too will put forth some effort. but thats the thing, I am giving the effort and they don't. or eventually dont. :(

I am grateful for the "he" friends who had been there for me. i just don't think i can take much more of this any longer. I just hate to see things end or go the way they do. I'm trying. I'll just have to try a little harder.

Believe me i am praying, and i am going out there and trying to make friends and all that, and if you know me, i am the shy type, so i feel like i have been doing pretty good, but i know that my friendships won't be as strong once i leave this town. Summers get busy and people go their separate ways . I know Lord will help me out. Thank heavens He is always there for me. I just wish guys down here were too.