Killin me

This is a funny time of life.
Single life is great. So many great things about it. I have a lot i can do ahead of me. I have a lot planned to do. I enjoy life as much as i can in any situation. But Single comes at a price. Part of me really wishes i had someone in my life. I had someone in my life. that ended when he went for someone else. and then he ends up single again. we haven't spoken in 6 months when he broke it  I miss him like crazy, it's killin me. The hardest part is falling for someone who isn't even a member of the church. It's like I don't want to go back to that, but I don't feel like finding someone new. I need the temple. I am willing to wait for the right person. and it sucks. This waiting is really hard. A roller coaster. It scares me to think i could ever be married. part of me just wants to be single forever because I'm so used to it. Scared to meet someone. Scared out of my mind. I just wanna run. Run to my humanitarian mission somewhere across the world far far away.... I hope one day. not now, but one day I can let this go and not be afraid and let myself fall for the right guy. just one day at a time....

O LOVE THAT WILT NOT LET ME GO

I am so glad my dad sings in the Tabernacle Choir. The times i appreciate the greatest are Sundays. I ask him what songs they sang, or discuss songs they sang if i got the chance to watch the broadcast-which i try to do. I do enjoy watching the recording with him when I can. He knows my love for music and we share that love and I get the best opportunity to hear the stories behind these songs that they sing. Today's song to finish the broadcast was one I never heard.
the story
 George Matheson was blind. His fiance had left him because she couldn't be married to someone who was blind. He was heartbroken. His sister had cared for him for years, and too was leaving because she was getting married. he wrote,"My Hymn was composed in the manse of Inn élan (argyle shire, Scotland) on the evening of the 6th of June 1882, when I was 40 years of age. I was alone in the manse at that time. It was the night of my sister’s marriage, and the rest of the family were staying overnight in Glasgow. Something happened to me, which was known only to myself, and which caused me the most severe mental suffering. The hymn was the fruit of that suffering. It was the quickest bit of work I ever did in my life. I had the impression of having it dictated to me by some inward voice rather than of working it out myself. I am quite sure that the whole work was completed in five minutes, and equally sure that it never received at my hands any retouching or correction. I have no natural gift of rhythm. All the other verses I have ever written are manufactured articles, this came like a day of spring from on high."

O Love that wilt not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;

I give thee back the life I owe,

That in thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,

I yield my flickering torch to thee;

My heart restores its borrowed ray,

That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day

May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,

I cannot close my heart to thee;

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

And feel the promise is not vain,

That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,

I dare not ask to fly from thee;

I lay in dust life’s glory dead,

And from the ground there blossoms red

Life that shall endless be.

The choir sang it beautifully. My dad spoke about different phrases. The thing that i loved is he had me close my eyes and just take in the moment of the song. after the last line, the choir Sang " O Cross, O Love, O Cross, O Love." Each word sung in a different chord that struck me to the heart. Chills run through my body as the testimonies of these artists ring out. It was electrifying. How someone writes such a beautiful piece of music in 5 minutes is truly heaven-sent. The arrangement by the choir was not earthly. It felt like heaven. It was so powerful. I opened my eyes and seeing the tears in my dad's eyes brought me to so much gratitude. This song has so much meaning to me. This is one example of the many songs that my dad has introduced to my mom and I. So many songs that have SUCH meaning to me. Knowing the story behind a song gives it so much more meaning. Lately my taste in music has become a lot of classical music and songs that feel so passionate. Passionate for the love of music. For the expressions of what one feels. It's incredible. The radio so many times doesn't give me the satisfaction of what I desire. I really can't stand the popular songs that are overplayed. I love the songs that show true talent. As a musician, i hold the songs i compose very dear to my  heart. I'm not eloquent with words or with voice, my dance is alright, But my piano music is how I speak inside. I thank God for the power of Music.