Waiting for the right one.

Today Has been and interesting Day. The date seemed like it was important somehow. But i couldn't place why. A thought occured to me that it has been 4 years since I met Michael. That day changed everything. I so happened to sit by him and make conversation with him and his friend. I am so shy i rarely do that. but sometimes something speaks to me and i just do it. Like how Madison and I became best friends because that day i decided to talk to her in 4th grade.

Well Here I am 4 years later from meeting him. In the course of those 4 years. I fell hard for him. and for a time he dropped off the face of the earth due to a tragedy in his life.Which was hard for me. Then when he came around. Our bond grew stronger. I moved to St George where I was actually able to see him in person. He lives in Vegas. I've never cared or Loved anybody more than I did him. The only problems were he's not LDS and distance. I hoped and prayed maybe i could help convert him. Though he never did. I never pushed him. I wish i had brought it up more to him. I was just scared. I was afraid to Have a relationship because i knew that if we had to break up because of these two issues, I won't compromise not being able to go to the temple.  I couldn't. I witheld so much. But i loved him so deeply. In a hard place. I prayed over a year ago for help separating because things I'd see on FB hurt me. I wondered if I was not in love with the person i knew wholly. Who was he? Well he got a Girlfriend last year. My heart broke. My prayers had been answered. It's taken me a year and I still think about him. In fact. I've thought about him every day for 4 years, still. I accidentally deleted him a few months back but It was good to cut off ties. As much as possible. little to no contact is best to separate. The past week or two have been hard because feelings came back after I notice he posted a video by Dashboard Confessional titled" end of an Anchor."  and he wrote " i miss you. " I KNOW that was for me. So its been on my mind a lot. I miss him too. I wish SO hard that he would say something. I randomly texted him a few months ago asking how he was doing and that I was thinking of him, and he replied that he thinks about me every day.  So I've fallen back into this habit of missing him and missing old times of when i felt so good inside because the love he felt for me.

Today especially. Frustrating. Trying to move on. and been fine till today. Went to his fb and just saw his profile picture. It was of him and this gorgeous girl. Must be his now girlfriend. how can it not? I just felt those feelings from last year breaking again. Here he is with someone. I'm still single Like I've always been. I sat down on the floor and began to cry. I noticed the picture of Christ on my wall.
So I realized and decided...
No, Megan. Stop crying.  He's not worth my tears any more. So I stopped. I will have someone worth the wait. This experience is going to help me realize how amazing my man will be. No he won't be perfect.But will be what I need. Someone God deems worthy to have me and cherish me.  He will love me. He is worth waiting for. He'll treat me better than any man I've dated has. And he'll be better than them. He will actually fight hard for me.  I have faith I'll find my man. What Michael and I had was important and i was meant to meet him. But it's a new season.And he's not a part of it. He probably never will be.  He's not worth my tears or thoughts any more. I can't keep holding on to memories of what it felt like to be loved. Even though I miss that feeling more than anything. And its been so long.....
So what I'm single and he has someone. God doesn't love me any less even if Michael does. I've been told it's worth the wait. I Believe it. And so help me. I'll wait a thousand years for that because I AM WORTH IT.

The image I will never shake.....

Is what i saw today. I was called by the Red Cross to help on the Health Services Dept for a disaster that happened 2 days ago. An apartment in Rose Park caught fire. over a hundred had to evacuate. I can't imagine the feelings felt as they watched everything they had go up in flames. Now here they stood, many of them far from any friends and family. all the comforts of living and personal belongings-even those things they owned that reminded them of home- gone.
One young man just 2 years older than I came in. He seemed pretty beaten down. He was feeling anxiety and generalized pain from the stresses he carried. Here he had no home, currently no job. He was so utterly hopeless. As he sat across from me and a fellow colleague, he described the physical pains he was feeling as he cried. The pains in his chest i think don't compare to the other pain in his chest. His heart. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to just give him a hug and cry with him. I did my job as the RN to help him. All I could do was pray in my heart for him. That's all that i felt i could do. Pray for help in knowing what to say or do in those awkward moments alone with him one time when my colleague left for something. I'm grateful for the other colleagues who knew what to say and how to help. This being my first time, my eyes were really opened. At first i was upset because I didn't want to miss conference and i honestly didn't feel like getting up early to be up and going and being the only RN or medical staff before the others would arrive. I felt anxiety the night before and wasn't sleeping well. I also was feeling much discouragement over the fact that I haven't done that kind of nursing in a while. all I do is go to school with fairly stable clients. What did I honestly have to give? What good would I be there? and so I felt discouraged. I managed to calm myself to sleep and as i woke the next morning, i felt ok.
I pulled into the LDS church building and see the Red Cross van with various other cars in the parking lot. A little hope sprung in me. That little spark that had dwindled down from that fire that burned with me of the desires to be a nurse. I felt a little apprehensive going in there, but once i met the outgoing nurse, and was instructed on what to do, i felt a little better. I heard stories of the night and of different clients. Things that made my heart hurt. But things that made my heart gladden on the effect i believe this nurse had on one particular young client.

Once the night nurse left, I was alone, and i felt my Heavenly Father's spirit. I believe He was glad I was there. I felt good. and happy.
The morning was fairly slow. Possibly 2 or 3 came in before i had someone to come work with me at noon. I felt confident in how i had helped these other patients. Although they were minor, simple things, i still felt important. I felt competent and more confident.
I was grateful for Ron, the EMT who was with me. He had taught me some good things and was so helpful. It was nice to be on a team again. Like having co-workers again! I felt the confidence as we discussed things with patients there and collaborating together to help ppl, such as this young man. I'm glad Ron was there to say things and help this guy out that I couldn't seem to know how or on what to do. I'm grateful for the Mental Health Coordinator who also was able to talk to him and decrease his anxiety and give him hope.

He came back later. And he seemed to be doing a lot better. I was soo glad. I saw a little spark of hope in him. Ron told him before leaving that Things were gonna be tough, but that there is hope and things are gonna get better. Thank you, Ron. I managed to smile at him and tell him I was glad he was doing better. I meant it too. He smiled and thanked me. I hope and pray he remembers that. Things will get better. In the midst of the hardest times, even if gradual, they do get better. Maybe this is something that will lead him in a new direction in his life. I sure hope so. As a Child of God, I want him to attain happiness. I pray so much for him.

I loved being there and helping people with their little needs. even if for a Headache. I was so glad I could help. Finally assist in the Red Cross. So great.
As I left, I thanked Ron and another Nurse who came for their help. The nurse said i gave beautiful report and wished me luck in my life. Ron said it was a pleasure to work with me and he was very impressed with me.
Driving home, I felt like that Registered Nurse that I am. I have a long way to go, but i felt like i was more competent than the discouraged me felt the night before. I felt like i had done something right. I hope i had brought some light in someone's life. I hope they saw the book of Mormon in my purse sticking out. I hadn't purposefully done that, but i hope they saw that book. I hope one day they may recall that dark blue, gold lettered book and remember the feelings that they felt. that There were nurses, emts, case workers, and others that cared about them in that dark hour of their life.

I hope that I can get more chances to work with Red Cross. Now that I've had a taste, i want more. If I can, i want to be able to reach out to others who struggle. and be better about it. Have words of comfort to say. be brave about it.

I'm grateful for my bed. my home. my family. my friends.My God . My Savior. His gospel. My room. my career. for my life!! I'm so grateful. I know that i'll continually have experiences to strengthen me. and help me grow as a Nurse. I'm grateful so grateful for this career that i chose. Something i knew in the pre-existence i was destined to be.

I'm looking forward to conference and hearing the things I need to desperately hear. I have answers that i need and I know the things i didn't think of or maybe that i was blind to, may spark a light in my eyes. I hope and pray for this among other answers that i desperately need to hear, i know I will be told.

What a great day. so glad for the gospel and the prophet and his apostles. Now to sleep so i can be well rested to hear the words of God through his messengers.