Waiting for the right one.

Today Has been and interesting Day. The date seemed like it was important somehow. But i couldn't place why. A thought occured to me that it has been 4 years since I met Michael. That day changed everything. I so happened to sit by him and make conversation with him and his friend. I am so shy i rarely do that. but sometimes something speaks to me and i just do it. Like how Madison and I became best friends because that day i decided to talk to her in 4th grade.

Well Here I am 4 years later from meeting him. In the course of those 4 years. I fell hard for him. and for a time he dropped off the face of the earth due to a tragedy in his life.Which was hard for me. Then when he came around. Our bond grew stronger. I moved to St George where I was actually able to see him in person. He lives in Vegas. I've never cared or Loved anybody more than I did him. The only problems were he's not LDS and distance. I hoped and prayed maybe i could help convert him. Though he never did. I never pushed him. I wish i had brought it up more to him. I was just scared. I was afraid to Have a relationship because i knew that if we had to break up because of these two issues, I won't compromise not being able to go to the temple.  I couldn't. I witheld so much. But i loved him so deeply. In a hard place. I prayed over a year ago for help separating because things I'd see on FB hurt me. I wondered if I was not in love with the person i knew wholly. Who was he? Well he got a Girlfriend last year. My heart broke. My prayers had been answered. It's taken me a year and I still think about him. In fact. I've thought about him every day for 4 years, still. I accidentally deleted him a few months back but It was good to cut off ties. As much as possible. little to no contact is best to separate. The past week or two have been hard because feelings came back after I notice he posted a video by Dashboard Confessional titled" end of an Anchor."  and he wrote " i miss you. " I KNOW that was for me. So its been on my mind a lot. I miss him too. I wish SO hard that he would say something. I randomly texted him a few months ago asking how he was doing and that I was thinking of him, and he replied that he thinks about me every day.  So I've fallen back into this habit of missing him and missing old times of when i felt so good inside because the love he felt for me.

Today especially. Frustrating. Trying to move on. and been fine till today. Went to his fb and just saw his profile picture. It was of him and this gorgeous girl. Must be his now girlfriend. how can it not? I just felt those feelings from last year breaking again. Here he is with someone. I'm still single Like I've always been. I sat down on the floor and began to cry. I noticed the picture of Christ on my wall.
So I realized and decided...
No, Megan. Stop crying.  He's not worth my tears any more. So I stopped. I will have someone worth the wait. This experience is going to help me realize how amazing my man will be. No he won't be perfect.But will be what I need. Someone God deems worthy to have me and cherish me.  He will love me. He is worth waiting for. He'll treat me better than any man I've dated has. And he'll be better than them. He will actually fight hard for me.  I have faith I'll find my man. What Michael and I had was important and i was meant to meet him. But it's a new season.And he's not a part of it. He probably never will be.  He's not worth my tears or thoughts any more. I can't keep holding on to memories of what it felt like to be loved. Even though I miss that feeling more than anything. And its been so long.....
So what I'm single and he has someone. God doesn't love me any less even if Michael does. I've been told it's worth the wait. I Believe it. And so help me. I'll wait a thousand years for that because I AM WORTH IT.

The image I will never shake.....

Is what i saw today. I was called by the Red Cross to help on the Health Services Dept for a disaster that happened 2 days ago. An apartment in Rose Park caught fire. over a hundred had to evacuate. I can't imagine the feelings felt as they watched everything they had go up in flames. Now here they stood, many of them far from any friends and family. all the comforts of living and personal belongings-even those things they owned that reminded them of home- gone.
One young man just 2 years older than I came in. He seemed pretty beaten down. He was feeling anxiety and generalized pain from the stresses he carried. Here he had no home, currently no job. He was so utterly hopeless. As he sat across from me and a fellow colleague, he described the physical pains he was feeling as he cried. The pains in his chest i think don't compare to the other pain in his chest. His heart. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to just give him a hug and cry with him. I did my job as the RN to help him. All I could do was pray in my heart for him. That's all that i felt i could do. Pray for help in knowing what to say or do in those awkward moments alone with him one time when my colleague left for something. I'm grateful for the other colleagues who knew what to say and how to help. This being my first time, my eyes were really opened. At first i was upset because I didn't want to miss conference and i honestly didn't feel like getting up early to be up and going and being the only RN or medical staff before the others would arrive. I felt anxiety the night before and wasn't sleeping well. I also was feeling much discouragement over the fact that I haven't done that kind of nursing in a while. all I do is go to school with fairly stable clients. What did I honestly have to give? What good would I be there? and so I felt discouraged. I managed to calm myself to sleep and as i woke the next morning, i felt ok.
I pulled into the LDS church building and see the Red Cross van with various other cars in the parking lot. A little hope sprung in me. That little spark that had dwindled down from that fire that burned with me of the desires to be a nurse. I felt a little apprehensive going in there, but once i met the outgoing nurse, and was instructed on what to do, i felt a little better. I heard stories of the night and of different clients. Things that made my heart hurt. But things that made my heart gladden on the effect i believe this nurse had on one particular young client.

Once the night nurse left, I was alone, and i felt my Heavenly Father's spirit. I believe He was glad I was there. I felt good. and happy.
The morning was fairly slow. Possibly 2 or 3 came in before i had someone to come work with me at noon. I felt confident in how i had helped these other patients. Although they were minor, simple things, i still felt important. I felt competent and more confident.
I was grateful for Ron, the EMT who was with me. He had taught me some good things and was so helpful. It was nice to be on a team again. Like having co-workers again! I felt the confidence as we discussed things with patients there and collaborating together to help ppl, such as this young man. I'm glad Ron was there to say things and help this guy out that I couldn't seem to know how or on what to do. I'm grateful for the Mental Health Coordinator who also was able to talk to him and decrease his anxiety and give him hope.

He came back later. And he seemed to be doing a lot better. I was soo glad. I saw a little spark of hope in him. Ron told him before leaving that Things were gonna be tough, but that there is hope and things are gonna get better. Thank you, Ron. I managed to smile at him and tell him I was glad he was doing better. I meant it too. He smiled and thanked me. I hope and pray he remembers that. Things will get better. In the midst of the hardest times, even if gradual, they do get better. Maybe this is something that will lead him in a new direction in his life. I sure hope so. As a Child of God, I want him to attain happiness. I pray so much for him.

I loved being there and helping people with their little needs. even if for a Headache. I was so glad I could help. Finally assist in the Red Cross. So great.
As I left, I thanked Ron and another Nurse who came for their help. The nurse said i gave beautiful report and wished me luck in my life. Ron said it was a pleasure to work with me and he was very impressed with me.
Driving home, I felt like that Registered Nurse that I am. I have a long way to go, but i felt like i was more competent than the discouraged me felt the night before. I felt like i had done something right. I hope i had brought some light in someone's life. I hope they saw the book of Mormon in my purse sticking out. I hadn't purposefully done that, but i hope they saw that book. I hope one day they may recall that dark blue, gold lettered book and remember the feelings that they felt. that There were nurses, emts, case workers, and others that cared about them in that dark hour of their life.

I hope that I can get more chances to work with Red Cross. Now that I've had a taste, i want more. If I can, i want to be able to reach out to others who struggle. and be better about it. Have words of comfort to say. be brave about it.

I'm grateful for my bed. my home. my family. my friends.My God . My Savior. His gospel. My room. my career. for my life!! I'm so grateful. I know that i'll continually have experiences to strengthen me. and help me grow as a Nurse. I'm grateful so grateful for this career that i chose. Something i knew in the pre-existence i was destined to be.

I'm looking forward to conference and hearing the things I need to desperately hear. I have answers that i need and I know the things i didn't think of or maybe that i was blind to, may spark a light in my eyes. I hope and pray for this among other answers that i desperately need to hear, i know I will be told.

What a great day. so glad for the gospel and the prophet and his apostles. Now to sleep so i can be well rested to hear the words of God through his messengers.

Killin me

This is a funny time of life.
Single life is great. So many great things about it. I have a lot i can do ahead of me. I have a lot planned to do. I enjoy life as much as i can in any situation. But Single comes at a price. Part of me really wishes i had someone in my life. I had someone in my life. that ended when he went for someone else. and then he ends up single again. we haven't spoken in 6 months when he broke it  I miss him like crazy, it's killin me. The hardest part is falling for someone who isn't even a member of the church. It's like I don't want to go back to that, but I don't feel like finding someone new. I need the temple. I am willing to wait for the right person. and it sucks. This waiting is really hard. A roller coaster. It scares me to think i could ever be married. part of me just wants to be single forever because I'm so used to it. Scared to meet someone. Scared out of my mind. I just wanna run. Run to my humanitarian mission somewhere across the world far far away.... I hope one day. not now, but one day I can let this go and not be afraid and let myself fall for the right guy. just one day at a time....

O LOVE THAT WILT NOT LET ME GO

I am so glad my dad sings in the Tabernacle Choir. The times i appreciate the greatest are Sundays. I ask him what songs they sang, or discuss songs they sang if i got the chance to watch the broadcast-which i try to do. I do enjoy watching the recording with him when I can. He knows my love for music and we share that love and I get the best opportunity to hear the stories behind these songs that they sing. Today's song to finish the broadcast was one I never heard.
the story
 George Matheson was blind. His fiance had left him because she couldn't be married to someone who was blind. He was heartbroken. His sister had cared for him for years, and too was leaving because she was getting married. he wrote,"My Hymn was composed in the manse of Inn élan (argyle shire, Scotland) on the evening of the 6th of June 1882, when I was 40 years of age. I was alone in the manse at that time. It was the night of my sister’s marriage, and the rest of the family were staying overnight in Glasgow. Something happened to me, which was known only to myself, and which caused me the most severe mental suffering. The hymn was the fruit of that suffering. It was the quickest bit of work I ever did in my life. I had the impression of having it dictated to me by some inward voice rather than of working it out myself. I am quite sure that the whole work was completed in five minutes, and equally sure that it never received at my hands any retouching or correction. I have no natural gift of rhythm. All the other verses I have ever written are manufactured articles, this came like a day of spring from on high."

O Love that wilt not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;

I give thee back the life I owe,

That in thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,

I yield my flickering torch to thee;

My heart restores its borrowed ray,

That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day

May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,

I cannot close my heart to thee;

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

And feel the promise is not vain,

That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,

I dare not ask to fly from thee;

I lay in dust life’s glory dead,

And from the ground there blossoms red

Life that shall endless be.

The choir sang it beautifully. My dad spoke about different phrases. The thing that i loved is he had me close my eyes and just take in the moment of the song. after the last line, the choir Sang " O Cross, O Love, O Cross, O Love." Each word sung in a different chord that struck me to the heart. Chills run through my body as the testimonies of these artists ring out. It was electrifying. How someone writes such a beautiful piece of music in 5 minutes is truly heaven-sent. The arrangement by the choir was not earthly. It felt like heaven. It was so powerful. I opened my eyes and seeing the tears in my dad's eyes brought me to so much gratitude. This song has so much meaning to me. This is one example of the many songs that my dad has introduced to my mom and I. So many songs that have SUCH meaning to me. Knowing the story behind a song gives it so much more meaning. Lately my taste in music has become a lot of classical music and songs that feel so passionate. Passionate for the love of music. For the expressions of what one feels. It's incredible. The radio so many times doesn't give me the satisfaction of what I desire. I really can't stand the popular songs that are overplayed. I love the songs that show true talent. As a musician, i hold the songs i compose very dear to my  heart. I'm not eloquent with words or with voice, my dance is alright, But my piano music is how I speak inside. I thank God for the power of Music. 

Lately!

sheesh i haven't updated in who knows how long. Months? a yeah? not that anybody reads my blogs. St George Is great. I love it. Weather is amazing. ROOMMATES are amazing. Life is going pretty well. It was homecoming week this week. and man sadly I didnt' participate in anything at all going on. How pathetic is that? what's even more pathetic i don't have any "dixie" type of clothes. i just don't want to spend the money on one. thats like CEU i never got one from there. oh dear. The Dance was tonight. I remember how guys choice dances were such a huge thing in High School And I remember never going to one which for me was a HUGE deal. I'm sure i could have gone if i wanted to with someone. but I really don't care about any of that. My Roommate, Lauren and I went with what we thought were free tickets to get in on our fridge. its 5 dollars a couple and 10 dollars for singles! Crazy! Well our tickets are the type you get at classic skating or at a carnival ha. We get there. and I had my bridesmaid dress on and it can go as either pretty classy or also good for church. We had gone to a meeting thing before stake conference tomorrow, so my hair was already in a nice bun thing and a headband. all i did was my eye make up. not a lot of work. we walked up there and it looked SO lame inside. ok it had just started a half hour previously, but yeah. i don't know. We realized the tickets must have been for something else. So we left. heck no am i paying 10 dollars! : )

tho i do have to admit that being asked to a dance would be fun. I haven't gotten all dressed up for a nice date in.... well. I don't remember the last time, or if there ever has been a time i've gotten to dress up for a date. oh Omega dance. that was fun. and was about 3 years ago. so yeah. My bishop says he hopes i find a really good guy because i deserve one, and that makes me feel special. I'm not interested in any guys here in St George. But there's Michael, Las Vegas is far away and its been 3 or 4 weeks since I've seen him. :/ and probably 2 more weeks till i might see him again. that makes it hard. He's a really great friend. Just too bad he lives 2 hours away.

School i love, but i've been slacking a LOT. i am getting very distracted. I start my Preceptors the week after Fall break. I am so nervous for it. I hope it all goes well. I am not taking things seriously. I am tempted to delete my FB or do something so that i don't check it or even get on it. after fall break, its going to be so insanely hard and crazy. I've been having a rough week this past week, but i am hanging in there. Just a lot of thinking and a lot of trying to figure out what the next step is and how i can prepare for it. Mission/humanitarian ? where to work? seeing as there are not really any jobs for Nurses here in Utah. We will find out.

I still love life and i love my ward and my Bishop so much. i am really so blessed. I really have the best ones here. How i landed amazing people i don'n know. As much as I loved Price, i really Love St George. I am having a good time down here. At times i don't want to leave this place. I know its all in the Lord's hands and I am going to go wherever he leads me.

well thats all with life. Can't complain too much about it :)

St George

Its a beautiful place here! I am studying a lot and it takes a lot of time, but i Like to learn and These sacrifices will pay off for something in the future. So i am holding on and going through these motions. i wish i had closer roommates and Friends, I do have Danette, she's the closest one here. I'm glad i have her. I guess sometimes i look down upon myself for not having tons and tons of fun and amazing things like other people. Or the popularity and ect. that others have. i know i never really have, and it doesn't matter. I shouldn't do that just because i don't have close friends or roommates down here. Despite this situation, i am trying. I really am. and i will make the best of my experience :) One day i will meet an awesome guy. but not for now i guess. i mean yeah, there are cool guys, and some hot ones, usually accompanied with a girl >:P its true when i or Krista says : All the Good ones are either taken, Dead/ Fictional!! bah. oh well. Krista comes in a few days, so it will be good. I best prepare myself for her arrival.

i just Thought of something as i am typing this. I need to spiritually prepare myself better for when The Saviour Comes. I am doing good, But i need to work harder. Especially for Nursing school. I know this profession is going to help a LOT of people. This is Just not a Career, its a Calling. I'm glad things are hard when they are. I'm glad school kicks me to make sure i'm in line. Its gonna make me a better thing. I see from past experience, all these things are working out for the good. and If i am working hard and doing it for good, Its not going to waste. So even tho i Don't have all the friends and parties and this or that. Its just fine. Lord Loves me for me, and it doesn't matter if i am popular or invisible down here! As long as i serve and do my part! When He comes, he won't ask me how popular i was, or how many crazy things or how many friends i had, he will want to know who i helped. and What i have learned while being down here. Ah typing this out has made my now going to study a more positive experience, than just the regular daily Grind. OFF TO THE LIBRARY!!! :)

A new beginning!

Packing everything again, Its a lot of work, and man do i have a lot of stuff. A lot of mixed feelings. but i know this is for the good. Its just the moving part and getting everything settled that is stressful. sometimes its hard to see everything Dead outside. But i love it when the sun comes out. I look forward to the Red rocks and hopefully more color down there in St george. I look forward to a new adventure. I couldn't do this without the Savior. Without my parents/family, and Especially without my Best friends. and those who are friends/co-workers. I know i can do this, and i need to Look forward with brightness and hope. : )